"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
