Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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