sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
