i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
