He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
