the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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