If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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