How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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