textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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