so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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