i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
