I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
