I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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