we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
