tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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