May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just googled if crying burns calories
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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