remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
