his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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