She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
