Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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