mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
