Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
