please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
