I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
