So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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