The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
