So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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