News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize