i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize