my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
