Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize