Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
