I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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