WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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