Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
