i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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