And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
