I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
