Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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