Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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