The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
