There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
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