I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
