Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
