i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
