the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Send help, water and tortillas.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
