we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
