Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
