i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
