Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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