watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
