Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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