I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
