All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
