our cab driver is having phone sex.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
