i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
