if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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