I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so let's talk penis.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
