Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize